morbidrequiem (morbidrequiem) wrote,

Dazed and Confused...

Things in my live both appear to be getting better and at the same time I worry about if something bad is going to come and take it all away. My classes to earn my GED are in full swing. I am doing well at work and my bank account is remaining in the black (that’s a good thing for those who are confused). And Danny and I are still as close as ever if not a little closer. I am even trying to consider the idea of dating despite my love for him. I want a life where I am not constantly stressed or in some kind of emotional pain. Things are going…ok. But I just dunno where to go or what to do really to KEEP moving forward. It almost seems like I am not allowed a really good chance to move ahead until the last minuet. Maybe that’s how things are supposed to work and life just keeps you in that moment of suspense. But I worry so much that I am going to fuck something up or miss a window of opportunity or be kept from it because of anything. I remain optimistic in the face of my unsure mindset and keep hoping that everything will be alright and I keep telling myself to strive for something better. It’s a bit hard since sometimes I feel like I am the only one cheering myself on…which can be quite depressing despite the fact that I know everyone who loves me is cheering me on. I would like to have someone who is more then just a friend for a change. I mean, Christ! How long has it been since I had an actual GOOD boyfriend. The men here in Indianapolis are so bent on appearances and who is and isn’t the poster child of the homosexual image that if you fall outside that box you might as well not exist. I have come to terms with the fact that Danny and I may never be anything more then what we are now though I keep hoping that someday that will change. But someday isn’t today and I need someone now…someone who will just accept me for who I am in all of my eccentricities and weirdness. I wonder sometimes if there is a guy out there like that. The funny thing is is so many of my straight guy friends say if I was a girl they would so date me because I have such an awesome personality. So that’s them…but apparently no one in the gay community thinks this way. I am just weird to them and weird equals bad. I dunno…but I guess all I can do is keep hoping, keep smiling, and pray that one of these days I find a guy who can love a crazy person like me.
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