morbidrequiem (morbidrequiem) wrote,

Pain, with out love...

Is it wrong that right now I just want to walk into the kitchen, get a knife, walk into my mother’s and boyfriend’s bed room, and stab him (her boyfriend) to death? Am I a bad person for hating someone THAT MUCH? Is it wrong that I, in some small way, want to see my mom suffer for making me endure this mans existence and presence in my home? Is it wrong that I want to cry because I feel so utterly powerless but my pride refuses to let me bend to this oppression?

I feel so lost most of the time anymore. And rare is the day I actually feel at home in the place where I live. Most of the time I feel like a tolerated trespasser or like an itch small enough to ignore but great enough to annoy. Frequently I am told by this man how little my value is because I am not made of the same stuff he is. Frequently I am told nothing but all of the bad things I do and short comings I possess. Rare is the day I hear an encouraging word directed at me come from his mouth. Rare is the day I am actually happy in the place that is supposed to be my home.

I’m trapped here…for the time being anyway. They won’t kick me out and I don’t have the facilities or resources to leave on my own, and I don’t dare ask my friends to take me in because I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I feel like the main attraction in a one animal zoo that, behind the scenes, is poked, prodded, teased, beaten, and whole unwelcome were it not for the money I bring in. But it’s not money I actually bring in…it’s a form of unstable peace. My mother is happy when we are all together and my mother is happy when I am around and happy but only if Jimmy is happy first. I am secondary but key in the very foundation of this house holds stability.

I won’t live here forever and once I leave, be it on good terms or bad, I will no longer be concerned with their relationship. If it collapses…so be it, it’s no longer my concern. I will always love my mother regardless of who she dates. I despise Jimmy…I wish nothing good nor bad upon him since I care nothing for him. He could die tomorrow and I would be unaffected. I will rise above and move beyond his reach and leave him with nothing but stagnation and the amber haze and black tar her dredges through in an attempt to be the “great man” he suspects he is.
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