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Through a Looking Glass Darkly [entries|friends|calendar]

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[12 Jan 2008|01:48am]
[ mood | lonely ]

So here I am all strong and independent in my resolve. I’m moving on from Danny and attempting to find love elsewhere. But now I feel a bit lost…and I’m lonely. It seems like everyone I know is so lucky because they’re all able to find people to love and love them back. People who will care for them and protect them and likewise in return.

But not me…never me…

I’m on like 4 online personal websites and I have been going out and talking to people. But for some reason it seems like people are always averted to me. Like there is some kind of aura about me that just turns people away.

Maybe it’s just me…

Funny thing is…I can attract people of all kinds and many of them love me and we become great friends and have a fantastic relationship and tra la lala. So why can’t I attract someone who wants me in a romantic way?
For a while I had considered cutting off all of my hair so that it would be short and boyish. I had toyed with the idea of changing my wardrobe to consist of more “masculine” styles. Do a 180 with my personality to see if maybe it really was me.

But I don’t think that’s fair…

Why should I have to change who I am just to attract a lover. To me that seems just as wrong as casting a love spell on someone. Because both involve deception in some way…and I don’t want a relationship built on those terms. Still sometimes I wonder if maybe I really am the cause of my own single state. I thought for a while it might have to do with my self-esteem of loving myself or something. But I actually have fabulous self-esteem and I do love myself save a few superficial things but those can be fixed. I have often wondered if maybe it’s because I scorned love far too many times in the past…if maybe I drove it from my destiny.

I suppose it could happen…

God I sound like such a baby but fuck it! I mean I spent years being strong and single and not needing a relationship. But that armor can only last so long when one has no other distraction to ease the hollowness. So I am trying but am feeling beaten down before I’ve even been given a fair chance to find any kind of happiness…

Even if for a moment…

So I guess from here I just trudge onward and hope for the best, follow my heart, blah bladidy blah…

I guess we’ll see…


Gray clouds, silver linings, and the moments in between [31 Oct 2007|03:37am]
[ mood | happy ]

So my day started off a little bit annoying. When I woke up I called Danny like I told him I would so he could come down to my apartment and we could hang out. I got in the shower after I called him just because I always feel it necessary to clean one self after having slept. I finished and changed and walked out of the bathroom, he was here on the computer checking his email and such. I went into my bedroom to put my jewelry back on and as I did this I hear the door close. When I come out he’s gone. I figured his roommate had called him to help him with something since he (Danny’s roommate for those of you who can’t keep up) has a broken leg. I called him to be sure and my suspicions were correct. I decided while I waited for Danny to return I would clean a little and start making something for us to eat. While the food is cooking I take out the trash and run into Danny and his roommate who were on their way back inside, I say hi in passing blah blah blah. After throwing out the trash and chatting with a few neighbors on the way back to my apartment I find Danny waiting for me at the door to our building holding the door open for me. I head on into my apartment to check on the food with him in toe and much like a puppy curious as to what I am cooking. I finish cooking and we sit down at my desk so we could eat and watch Avatar. But before we can his phone rings…god damn it can his roommate not survive even 5 min. without him, I think to myself knowing full well that Rik, Danny’s roommate, is fully capable of this…I was just getting annoyed because I wanted to spend time with Danny. Rik apparently had some kind of surprise for Danny so he heads back upstairs. Again I wait for about another 15-25 min. all the while my annoyance is building. So I decide to leave and head to the mall so I could get my keys to the store since I open the next day. In rout to the mall I call Danny to let him know I have left to head for the mall. He says he can drive me but I tell him I have already left. Well my telling him this came out with a slightly sharper edge then I had intended and I ended the conversation bay saying “I guess we’ll hang out later or something…” and hang up the phone before waiting to hear his response. I was being a little melodramatic about the whole thing I will admit. But damn it to hell all I wanted was to spend a little time with him…JUST him and I since we hadn’t really gotten to do that much lately. Back to my story, so as I’m walking I start to feel bad and decide to call him back. I tell him I would really like it if he could come and meet me out at the mall so we could at least hang out there. He agrees and I hang up feeling a little better but still kind of annoyed. Get to the mall, I get my keys, I look around in the music store…oh crap…I don’t have my wallet. I forgot it in Danny’s apartment from the night before so I call him up and lucky me he hadn’t left just yet. I ask him to bring my wallet and to meet me at Hottopic when he gets to the mall. I walk about a bit aimlessly for a couple moments and look about in Spencers and then head down to the meeting place (wow that makes it sound so much cooler then it really is). In there I wander about a look at stuff until he gets there…HUFF! Ok so now that that whole first part is done I can get to the good parts which will be much less detailed and boring. After he arrives we look about and of course he’s hungry since he didn’t get to eat while we were at my apartment. I wasn’t hungry but I would never refuse him food so I asked him what he wanted. He decided he wanted Chinese food and luck him…our mall is chalked full of em. So I get him his food and as we are walking to a table he goes. So on Thursday…we are going out. Huh? He then goes on to say that its been a while since we have gone out together…as in out out…like date out. I agreed that it had been awhile so I happily agreed to the outing. We chatted while he ate my mood much bright since he arrived and I finally had him all to myself. After he finishes we go look in a couple stores and in one I buy him a new shirt which he looks fabulous in if I do say so myself. After this point we just have a very pleasant time being out. We leave and come back to my apartment where my mother models her Halloween costume (she’s gonna be a gypsy). Danny and I then go to my room so that we can just hang out and so we are away from my mothers Boyfriend. We lay in my bed and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and a could Tim Burton short films (for Tim Burton is God). We had a really nice mellow evening together and I know that our bond is getting stronger by the day. He’s a lucky lucky boy that I love him so much…and I’m even luckier because he is a part of my life.


Cleaning out the Clutter... [28 Oct 2007|04:01am]
[ mood | chaos ]

Sometimes you have moments when…you really just need to be sad for a while. It’s not that you’re sad over any one thing or even that you depressed. You just…need to cry and clear out the emotional gunk mucking up the works. I’ve been kind of like that the last few days though no one would really know considering. Honestly…I’ve been denying myself the luxury of a good cry for a while. Again, it’s not like my life is overly bad. I mean yeah there are some bad spots but that’s normal yah know? I just know I need to cry and be sad for a little while and get it all out of my system. The problem is…I’m not sure how…

I’ve been on the verge a few times but nothing truly cleansing has occurred. I dunno I could just be acting like a total drama queen or a wimp but I feel like I really need to get some junk out of my heart.

I think I’ve been feeling a little lost for a while or something. Not really sure what to do with myself or my life or anything. The funny thing about that is my life is going pretty well. I am making progress with my GED studies, I just got a promotion at work, things with me and Danny have been fantastic, I am making new friends and broadening my social circles, things are even pretty good at home. But still it seems like I have a lot of baggage to shed so that I can truly and honestly move forward with my life and my evolution as a person and an adult. I just wish I knew what I need to do to clear out all the badness.

There’s a lot of anger that I think I need to get rid of as well. Little things seem to be able to set me off. Granted I do have Irish blood but I never used to be THIS angry. I mean I damn near took a woman’s head off today for something I should have just let go…but I didn’t. I yelled and said some horrid things then stormed off in a blaze of fury. That’s not me, I mean; sure, I get mad about stuff but never like this.

Something needs to change or be fixed or cleaned out if I am going to be able to function at least some what normally again. I hope I can figure out what or how I can fix this so I can at least enjoy all of the wonderful things going on in my life…we’ll see


Dazed and Confused... [05 Oct 2007|03:33am]
Things in my live both appear to be getting better and at the same time I worry about if something bad is going to come and take it all away. My classes to earn my GED are in full swing. I am doing well at work and my bank account is remaining in the black (that’s a good thing for those who are confused). And Danny and I are still as close as ever if not a little closer. I am even trying to consider the idea of dating despite my love for him. I want a life where I am not constantly stressed or in some kind of emotional pain. Things are going…ok. But I just dunno where to go or what to do really to KEEP moving forward. It almost seems like I am not allowed a really good chance to move ahead until the last minuet. Maybe that’s how things are supposed to work and life just keeps you in that moment of suspense. But I worry so much that I am going to fuck something up or miss a window of opportunity or be kept from it because of anything. I remain optimistic in the face of my unsure mindset and keep hoping that everything will be alright and I keep telling myself to strive for something better. It’s a bit hard since sometimes I feel like I am the only one cheering myself on…which can be quite depressing despite the fact that I know everyone who loves me is cheering me on. I would like to have someone who is more then just a friend for a change. I mean, Christ! How long has it been since I had an actual GOOD boyfriend. The men here in Indianapolis are so bent on appearances and who is and isn’t the poster child of the homosexual image that if you fall outside that box you might as well not exist. I have come to terms with the fact that Danny and I may never be anything more then what we are now though I keep hoping that someday that will change. But someday isn’t today and I need someone now…someone who will just accept me for who I am in all of my eccentricities and weirdness. I wonder sometimes if there is a guy out there like that. The funny thing is is so many of my straight guy friends say if I was a girl they would so date me because I have such an awesome personality. So that’s them…but apparently no one in the gay community thinks this way. I am just weird to them and weird equals bad. I dunno…but I guess all I can do is keep hoping, keep smiling, and pray that one of these days I find a guy who can love a crazy person like me.

Beauty comes with the dying seasons: Love is in the Air [18 Sep 2007|01:16pm]
[ mood | loved ]

My heart is on fire today and it seems like I could both laugh and cry all at the same time. It’s been another step forward and I pray we are able to avoid any steps back. Things are mildly improving at home and I think I am finally getting on track with my life. And me and Danny have grown a little closer.

He believes he and Allison are over…for good this time. We went out last night and just hung out not doing much of anything other then enjoying each others company. We went and sat in a park and simply talked for about an hour or two. We went to Wal*Mart to pick up a few things and came back home. During this time we were discussing getting together again the next day (today), and he said “Well I would come see you in the morning before I go to work but I am pretty sure you would be asleep.” I laughed and said partly in jest “Well you could always come down and crawl under the covers with me.” And he did…at around 7:00am he came down stares to my apartment and got in bed with me. Then when we woke up we just lazed about and again enjoyed each others company. It was a very good morning…and I suspect a better day will follow. Here’s hoping…


4 Drank the blood Vampire?

Pain, with out love... [08 Sep 2007|12:51am]
Is it wrong that right now I just want to walk into the kitchen, get a knife, walk into my mother’s and boyfriend’s bed room, and stab him (her boyfriend) to death? Am I a bad person for hating someone THAT MUCH? Is it wrong that I, in some small way, want to see my mom suffer for making me endure this mans existence and presence in my home? Is it wrong that I want to cry because I feel so utterly powerless but my pride refuses to let me bend to this oppression?

I feel so lost most of the time anymore. And rare is the day I actually feel at home in the place where I live. Most of the time I feel like a tolerated trespasser or like an itch small enough to ignore but great enough to annoy. Frequently I am told by this man how little my value is because I am not made of the same stuff he is. Frequently I am told nothing but all of the bad things I do and short comings I possess. Rare is the day I hear an encouraging word directed at me come from his mouth. Rare is the day I am actually happy in the place that is supposed to be my home.

I’m trapped here…for the time being anyway. They won’t kick me out and I don’t have the facilities or resources to leave on my own, and I don’t dare ask my friends to take me in because I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I feel like the main attraction in a one animal zoo that, behind the scenes, is poked, prodded, teased, beaten, and whole unwelcome were it not for the money I bring in. But it’s not money I actually bring in…it’s a form of unstable peace. My mother is happy when we are all together and my mother is happy when I am around and happy but only if Jimmy is happy first. I am secondary but key in the very foundation of this house holds stability.

I won’t live here forever and once I leave, be it on good terms or bad, I will no longer be concerned with their relationship. If it collapses…so be it, it’s no longer my concern. I will always love my mother regardless of who she dates. I despise Jimmy…I wish nothing good nor bad upon him since I care nothing for him. He could die tomorrow and I would be unaffected. I will rise above and move beyond his reach and leave him with nothing but stagnation and the amber haze and black tar her dredges through in an attempt to be the “great man” he suspects he is.
3 Drank the blood Vampire?

[13 Jul 2007|02:55am]
I wonder sometimes why I still post here on LJ. Its not like anyone is reading what I have to say and sometimes I wonder if I even want to. I dunno I guess I just want attention or something and sometimes it feels like I am all alone even when I am surrounded by people I love. Oh well...maybe I am just being silly...
1 Drank the blood Vampire?

I'm Here Waiting For You... [10 Jul 2007|10:59pm]
Travel to the moon - you sleep, solving a dream
Controlling the light of a deserted star

The smile you forgot in order to be stronger
Together, I'm sure we can find it again

Please realize
I'm here waiting for you
Even if the future is different from now
I'm here waiting for you
I'll keep shouting
I'm sure my heart is pulling on the string connecting us
So the me of that time will awaken
No need to cry…darling

Travel in silence - if I reach out, I can touch you
But you're so far away, inside my memories

If I close my eyes, I can hear your voice
Even a little pain is precious

Look at me
I'm here waiting for you
Though you're lost and scattered to the wind
I'm here waiting for you
Look up at the night sky
My heart is always protecting you with arms wide open
Until the you of that time is ready
No need to cry…my love

Feel something, feel nothing
Listen closely, listen closely
Hear my voice
Disarm the dream trickster
In the constant moment
You will find me where it's quiet
Listen closely, listen closely
Let the blood flow
Through all the spaces
Of the our universe

Please realize
I'm here waiting for you
Even if the future is different from now
I'm here waitong for you
I'll keep shouting
I'm sure my heart is pulling on the string connecting us
So the me of that time will awaken
No need to cry…darling
I love you…

Stupid People.... [01 Jul 2007|04:56pm]
So I have been both annoyed and mildly…depressed I suppose since last night. However, my depression manifests as vast amounts of anger with a wicked edge of sorrow on it. Last night wasn’t really an especially “bad” evening, more then anything it was a progression into annoyance. Everyone was either playing some kind of video game and being distracted, was depressed, angry, or oblivious to any and everything. Me, I was sitting smack dab in the middle of the emotional torrent while my empathic core sucked up all the lovely negative energy. Every person in that room who was feeling anything at all’s thoughts were storming chaotically about in my head. Whining and complaining and screaming and crying and hating…emo –fest 2007 in Dustin’s head WOOHOO! So of course it starts to seep into my emotional stream and poison my already darkening mood. This just helped to push me a little closer to the rage that tends to pop out of me from time to time. I managed to suppress the monster inside of me from wanting to come out and rip into everyone’s throats and eat their insides. So I sat there soaking in my own miasma…finally Danny was ready go, not that I was all that thrilled with him either but at that moment no one was on my happy list. Now in the car he begins talking to me asking me what’s on my mind and why I seem so gloomy. Now for those of you that don’t know me…I am a naturally gloomy person as it is, however when I am extra gloomy people KNOW it. I told him I just had a lot on my mind and then proceeded to explain to him why I was feeling so pissy. I tell Danny everything so it’s not like I was going to beat around the bush and say nothing. He understood which helped in some way I suppose, but then he started asking what I thought about a current situation involving his girlfriend. This didn’t really bother me because I appreciate the fact that what I think is important to him. So I told him and we discussed that for a moment, but then he would say things about their physical relationship. This has always bothered me since I really don’t want to hear about him being intimate with anyone. However I wasn’t going to begrudge him my ear simply because I get jealous…anywho. It just sucks hearing the man you love spout off about how hot his “girlfriend” is while at the same time making you feel completely…well…un-pretty. Today was just a carry over of emotional BS plaguing me from the evening prior…bah. So yeah…poopy.

The Illusion of Gender... [27 Jun 2007|05:11am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Black and white, this is how many people, be they of the past or present, view everything.

Black and white…

But is life, existence, really as simple as black and white? No, I don’t believe it is for many different reasons. The gray exists in everything no matter what one may think…there is always a gray area. In this instance I am referring to finding the gray in gender. In our society, everyone, regardless of race, nationality, sexuality, form of employment, or gender, is categorized…
Male, female, hermaphrodite, gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual…
All of these words and many more are used to categorize us from the moment we enter this world until the time we die. To all who do, do not, and only know me merely as an acquaintance I am a 23 year old, homosexual male. This is my category because this is how I have been placed by a system of static observations and assumptions that have been followed and applied since the world began. However, simply because it is as old as the first human thought, does that make it truly accurate and factual?

There are four aspects the make up every living and nonliving thing in the cosmos: Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul.

These four things are the building blocks of our entire state of being…so now please allow me to pose yet another question. If a person is female in mind, heart, and spirit, yet physically male…dose that make them a man? If, again, in mind, heart, and soul you are male but physically female, does that make you a woman? I know that some of you who might be reading this are thinking yes. But can you tell me why? Can you explain to me why if for all intents and purposes a person is female, save for their physical form, WHY they are still classified as male? No, I honestly don’t believe you can. Life has shaped and molded us to think this way. From the moment of our births the aspects of gender are forever and constantly being shoved in our faces. Thusly this would, of course, create not only the firm belief but also the psychoses that everyone is fundamentally, regardless of what they feel or believe to be true, of the gender they were physically born with. I can’t be angry with people when they call me man, dude, bro, boy, brother, father, sir, mr., or son, because to them, simply because I have a penis, I am male despite my mind, heart, and soul.

I don’t expect people to acknowledge me as she, her, ms, miss, mrs., lady, girl, ma’am, woman, sister, or mother, because this would cause deep psychosomatic confusion for them. Yet is it fair to me to assume that I am male simply because I was born physically as such? Is it fair to that person over there that because they are masculine in all forms but physically that we call and assume that she is a she? Gender is an illusion that is so strong it effects even the strongest of minds and wills. And simply because I am writing this essay on the subject does not mean that I myself do no fall prey to said illusion because I assure you I do. I however, just as I am sure and know that there are other people out there with the same views as I, understand that life and existence is not nearly so simple as what we perceive it to be. Nothing is so static or, as I said at the beginning, black and white. We all fall into the gray whether we realize it or not.

It is do, however, to our preconceived ideas of gender and sexuality that people are moved to do such things as having themselves surgically altered into the gender that they know themselves to be inside. But no one ever really considers what’s on the inside first. That always comes much later and even then with some people it is nothing more then a superficial understanding or personalized perception of what and who we are. To many I am sure I am nothing more then a gender confused flaming faggot. The reason for this is because, again, physically I am male but because my personality and mannerisms are indeed feminine I am simply considered a flaming girly boy, a sissy, or just a freak.


The perpetual and ongoing illusion that will undoubtedly play a constant role in society until all comes to an end should that time ever come. I pray however that I am wrong and that people someday manage to see beyond the black and white of everything and into the deep and endless gray that exist in all…


Nothing Simple... [17 Apr 2007|10:51pm]
Its funny how many times I have found myself at this crossroads in regards to the people I love. I am questing myself yet again when it comes to Danny. Not that I don’t love him anymore or that I want to give up on him. But I think its time I took the high road and wait and watch for him to mature and see which road he decides to take in life. This does not mean however that I am going to be putting my life on hold mind you. I will still live as I choose to live and should relationships occur during that period of time the so mote it be. But I can’t sit here anymore hoping and thinking that I am gonna wake up one morning to find him completely changed and understanding of my philosophies…that would be naïve and presumptuous and I refuse to be either. So I will walk my path alone yet again but not completely out of his sight. Stress abounds for me at the moment beyond my normal lamenting about the utter complexities and oddities of my social and “love” life. Work is better since my hours have been shifter about so that I am more of a morning shift person but money is in no way shape or form getting better for me. I am actually sitting in a mildly deep hole right now and it may take my next few checks to dig my way out. But to be honest when isn’t the average person stressed out of their minds of a daily basis, right? I really just want a break from all of it…all of this surrounding me at the moment. Just a short one…maybe for about a month or so. I would really like to move out to Arizona for a short while just for a complete change of scenery and it would be fun to live in a new place for at least a short amount of time. I really want to go and stay in the Cherokee Nation for a while and learn a little bit of my family history since I know so little. This, however, is all very much beyond the point but that’s ok. Well for now I think I am going to end this entry…I will be putting in another one very soon so stay toned LJ Fans.

[08 Apr 2007|09:27pm]
Do this or you might find me standing over you in the night with a rusty grapefruit spoone!

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.
16 Drank the blood Vampire?

Oblivion...Part 2 The Whole Story [03 Apr 2007|10:42am]
I’m worried about what might occur today when Danny goes to see her. I keep running through different scenarios of what could happen when he gets there, while he’s there, and after he leaves. I know that I have had the fear in the back of my mind that Allison might be cheating on him but until now I chalked it all up to malicious wishful thinking and jealousy. Now I have to wonder if it was my intuition warning me that something was wrong. Generally I am pretty good at listening to my gut reaction to things and generally I’m right. But when it comes to the people we love our entire emotional state is affected. We think something bad because the guy/girl we have feelings for is dating someone else. We naturally think things like “she’s not good enough” or “I bet she’ll cheat on him.” So it’s near impossible to tell when it’s your intuition screaming in your ear that the “other woman” really isn’t good for him. Problem right know is that I don’t know what’s really going on with her and as I said in my earlier post…Goddess help her if she hurts my love. But if you knew this girl it just doesn’t seem like something she would do. I mean I went to high school with her and we were pretty good friends. She was always really nice and smart. But it does seem like she goes through boyfriends like kleenex. The next couple of days will be bad for someone regardless be it Danny, Allison, or even myself. All I really hope for out of this situation is for the truth of what is REALLY going on to come to the fore. Because deep down I know something is not right with this situation and it will come to light one way or another simply because I refuse to allow my love to date someone while he is in the dark about the whole truth of a person. Last night was kind of scary to be quite honest. I was so afraid Danny was going to just go running off into the night shotgun in hand ready to put a bullet in the mother fucker who MIGHT be behind all of this. Ok…I guess it’s full story time.

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Oblivion [02 Apr 2007|10:57pm]
A world is crumbling and it isn’t my own though some how I wish it was as to avoid the pain and heart break I sense is coming like an ominous storm on a crystalline horizon. I don’t believe I have ever mentioned this but Danny has a girlfriend. Tonight I get a phone call from her (since she is also a friend of mine) telling me she is trying to get a hold of Danny because something has happened. I am not going to say what simply because it is a delicate situation. I spent about an hour sending out a psychic call and sending my spiritual guardians out to find him just so I could tell him what was going on. Finally he appeared and at that point my calm demeanor was replaced with that of near terror simply because I was so afraid of what he might do. Luckily all he did was damn near break his hand by punching the shit out of the hood of his car. Trust me, it may sound bad but it is a wound he can bounce back from easily. Well a short while later he spoke to her and for a short time was at ease knowing that I had done all I could to help her and keep her safe. Suddenly in a flash as quickly the initial problem had come a new one arose. It seems there may be a chance that she is lying and could even be cheating on him. I pray to my Goddess that this is untrue…because if it is I swear by all that I am and by all the power I possess within my being I will call up the very forces of hell to destroy her and obliterate all that she ever was from this world. I ask for the truth to be revealed…but I pray for the lives of those involved that no such crime has occurred. For damnation awaits any who dare to cross my path with the intent to harm the man I love. I WILL destroy you!

Far and Away [28 Mar 2007|06:31pm]
So today has not been one of the best days of my life. In all actuality it started yesterday with my mom and Jimmy bitching me out and saying that once again I am not helping enough around the house. My only issue with this argument is that it will never be enough for them…at least not for Jimmy. He seems to have this idea that all people should view the world the way he does and handle all things the way he does. Joy for joys he wants to turn me into a clone but thus far I have proven my shell is much too hard for him to crack. Not to mention if I am going to end up brainwashed and molded into someone else I can think of millions of better people to be turned into.
I keep getting the urge to just leave and vanish for a while. Take my last pay check and disappear to…someplace, Arizona or New Orleans most likely. Not forever but for a long enough time that I can just be rid of all the random baggage I truly don’t want. Only problem with the just up and leaving is that my friends would hunt me down and skin me alive and quite possibly make a rug from my hide. Beyond this I think I would miss Danny to much. It really seems that in the last few weeks he truly has been my saving grace when it comes to keeping what little sanity I truly have left. I’ve done this once before mind you but at the time I didn’t have quite so many friends here. Actually…I didn’t have any here just yet. It was two years after I moved here and I hadn’t really gotten to know anyone all that well. So not feeling like remaining trapped in my apartment I packed my bags and went to Illinois for about a month. It was fun and all but it did what it was meant to do, clear me of the stagnation that had settled in my heart and soul. When I returned too Indy it felt like a fresh start in familiar territory. Arizona sounds good honestly and I don’t think it would be too hard for me to find some means of living if not shabbily for at least a short while. We shall see what happens in the near future but rest assured if I do go anywhere a note will be left in as many places as I can think of to leave one before I leave so everyone can know where to find me.

Beyond the wonder lust I have a bit of a heavy heart. Not for any one true reason however there are many small things that factor into my somber mood. Really I think it’s just that I am ready for something more then what I have. I know all to well that there are some much needed changes that need to be made in my life. I just need the motivation to make them. I desperately want to find a job that doesn’t completely suck ass and get my drivers license and my GED and all that stuff. I want to get them…its just the drive to get them really isn’t there. Trust me if I knew a place or object or what have you that could give me the drive I would be first in line. Anyway I am going to end this rather long ramble and go see if I can find something more stimulating to occupy my mind.
1 Drank the blood Vampire?

Buffy Does it Again... [27 Mar 2007|04:35am]
So yet again Buffy the Vampire Slayer has helped me see a little more of myself and the world around me in a light that I should have paid a lot more attention to. From the time I actually started watching Buffy I have always been an avid Willow fan but despite all of my similarities to the uber wicca, its Buffy who I truly see a large amount of myself in. Believe it or not I do in some way consider myself a warrior. Granted my sword is the spells I sling and my strength comes from my psychic fortitude. It her views on life and the way she reacts to situations and explains who she is or how she feels and how no matter what she keeps fighting to surmount all of the odds against her. I may not patrol the streets of Indy at night for big bad demons and such but I do patrol my own mind, heart, and soul to fight and defeat my own demons…and currently I am winning the battle. I may not be on the sturdiest path as a normal person, but I can say with all that I am that I am a lot more in tune with the world around me then some of the most well established people on this planet. It may sound like I am trying to say I am better then you and them, but that’s not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is that even though I’m not moving down the same path as you and every other person on the streets doesn’t mean I am any less grounded or on course. My course is just a little different then everyone else’s.

Are the odds really against you? [25 Mar 2007|02:12pm]
I'm not sure why it is I allowed myself to love or care for certain people. Why I let them hurt me and let them walk away from me with out ever knowing just how I really felt about them. I've made that mistake so many times in the past and I regret it to this day that I never told them. Truthfully though...I've only had 2 men in my life thus far who I have loved with all I am. And those two men were the ones I told. They were the ones I sat down with and said "I love you" to. Chris was of course, one of them and as some you may know...that was very complicated and not so great time of my life. The other is Danny who is still in my life and is someone who I believe to be the love of my life, regardless of whether we are actually together or not. As I said in my last post it’s not something I believe anyone but I can completely understand because you don't have my heart and my mind. He's been MIA for the last couple days, busy with work. I did see him yesterday and gave him a hug and then he smiled at me and left. This simple action is enough for me. Why? Because I am not the girlfriend even though I wish I was if not more. I’m not. And even if I was I would not act as the girlfriend commonly would. I don't require the constant company of the one I love to feel complete as a person despite the fact that Danny does indeed make me feel complete, as cheesy as it may sound. Our relationship is complicated and again not something I expect many people to understand because it is either: A) Beyond their scopes of comprehension thus making it appear as pointless of futile. Or B) you have not had to experience something like this because you have either never had true love or, whether you know it or not, “love” it something easier for you to come by negating the effort of the up hill emotion battle. Relationships are generally easy for most people to come by. The only thing that really holds one back to being open to a relationships is them selves. I myself could find myself in a new relationship every week baring the fact that that would mean I would need to drop all of my standards and ignore all that I generally find attractive. This however causes a dependency. Have you ever noticed that people who are in a constant cycle of different relationships who then suddenly find themselves single act as if someone has cut off one of their arms or legs. They are constantly depressed and whining about how they so desperately wish and “NEED” to be with someone and in a relationship. Now that is not to say that there is anything wrong with being in a relationship but when you loose yourself AND you independence because you NEED to be in the constant company of a man or woman that is more to you then simply a friend…I’m sorry but you need to be shot. I know I may sound like a hypocrite to some of you considering how often I am on here whining about Danny or spewing forth my feeling of undying love for him. The difference here is that I am very capable of standing on my own two feet and moving forward with my life. I am able to smile and have fun and live life the way I want to live it without finding myself in a constant slump of lonely depression because he’s not near me. What is a sorcerer if every time he doesn’t have his spell book he feels lost and powerless? A true mage would simply invoke his powers of creativity and will and create his own spells, thusly standing on his own. People are commonly weak do to handicaps they have placed on themselves do to limitations they feel they can simply not get beyond so they give up and sit in their rut. I REFUSE to do this. If I come to a bridge…I cross it. If I come to a doorway I open it and should it be locked I find the key. Should I come to a, hurtle I leap over it. Surmounting the odds against me and standing on my own. People can’t understand this philosophy a great deal of the time because it has been slammed into their brains that there is a specific way life works and if it’s not done that way there is no hope in the universe that can remedy the problem. Those of you that actually know me in person and knew me growing up know that I have never been big on listening to what people have to say about how life is “supposed” to be. I have always lived the way I felt I wanted to live. Because what’s the point in living if your not going to live the way you want. Screw what people tell you about this and that and how it SHOULD be. Fuck that! It will be the way it is and then if you find that there is an obstacle in your path you find a way over it and move on with your course of action. If someone tells you its not a good idea to go to South America to explore the Amazon Rain Forest because you might get some rare tropical disease that doesn’t mean you don’t go. Yes the risk is there but there is risk in EVERY action you take in everyday life. Yes you might catch some strange tropical flu but if you don’t go you might also miss out on the chance to see one of the most beautiful places in the world. Life is short…do all you can, don’t rush, take your time and actually take a good look at what’s going on around you. Live life the way you want to live. Love whom you want to love. Love whom you love be they man or woman. Accept that sexuality is really little more then an illusion placed in our minds by our parents, our schools, our peers, and our religions. Try thinking for yourself and maybe even open yourself up to the possibility that maybe you honestly could be and live the way you want regardless of what Joe Nobody over there thinks about you. It’s not really all that complicated…it just requires the courage and the heart to do it.
2 Drank the blood Vampire?

Fighting for What I Hold Closest to my Heart... [14 Mar 2007|02:28am]
[ mood | determined ]

It's hard as many of you know to be in love with someone and to NOT have their feelings of love in return. It’s just as hard if not harder to see the person you love with someone else. However...it’s infinitely difficult and unfathomably painful to be in love with someone who is with someone else…and you know in your heart of hearts that they love you back and are just too scared comprehend it. Such is my situation. Twice now…from people I care deeply for have I been told I just need to get over him and move on. I refuse and am disappointed by these remarks. I WILL NOT give up on something I feel so strongly and KNOW to be true. To give up the fight for the man I love would be a coward’s way out and I refuse to take the easy way out of this because nothing worth having is ever simply handed to you. Yes he hurts me and yes maybe he isn’t ready to accept the way he feels…but that does not mean I just call it quits. I tried to do that and my heart AND mind just wouldn’t allow it because of all that I know to be true about him and how he feels. I may sound obsessed to some of you I am sure…and that’s because you haven’t been in my boat and I pray that you never are. I love this man more then anything in this entire world and I would give up my very life if it meant it might save his. And I know he would do the same for me if the situation dictated it. Love is complex and fickle and hardly ever straight forward yet so many people expect it to be so clear an understandable. And when an enigma of the heart faces them they play it off as nothing more then obsession or worse. To those of you that would tell me to give up and look else where…save it because you couldn’t possibly understands or hope to see it from my point of view…nor should you for it’s a pain I wish on no ones head. I simply ask to have the faith of those who know me. Know that I am not so blinded by my emotions that I am seeing things that aren’t really there. This is a battle that I and I alone can handle because it is a battle of and for my heart…and it is one I intend to win.


I love Unicorns! [25 Feb 2007|12:41pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Ok so last night was my friend Brittany's bachelorette party. We first went to Olive Garden for dinner and had a horrid waitress who really didn’t start paying attention until we started bitching about EVERYTHING. Then we left for downtown and went to a blue bar better known as the Slippery Noodle. It’s an awesome place with some really great music and they make a mean cosmo that will knock you on your ass. After that we went to club Sub-Terra. Super posh and elegant with velvet couches and curtains everywhere and they played some really great music…Oh, and Brittany also got a lap dance from a SUPER hot guy randomly. Oh yes, twas very very nice! I wanted one to! *pouts*. Well after we left Sub-Terra we looked about trying to decide where to hit next and the finally opted to hit our main destination of the evening…The Unicorn club. Now before I continue with the high light of this story please let me say this. I had never been to a strip club before this and after last night I am VERY confused as to WHY I have never gone! Ok, The Unicorn is, as I said, a strip. To be more specific…it’s a male strip club, and a very nice one I might add. Now I had heard tales of the Unicorn before this of course and all of them had cast this place in a rather bad light saying that it was really sleazy and what not. Because of this, and me feeling I always have to maintain an aire of class…never wanted to go. Hell when I found out we were going I had no interest in even looking at the building, and then we walked inside. Dear sweet Jesus I have died and gone to half naked man heaven. All pretenses about class flew out the door…well…kind of. Megan, our downtown guide and queen of all that is hip and cool was greeted immediately upon entering the door by some of the dancers and staff...YAY for connection! So we took our seats and began watching the…*ahem!*…show. My eyes were mostly glued to the stage until I was tapped by Megan who pointed over at Brittany whom I then noticed was getting a very lovely lap dance…oh my god! Then after that another dancer came over and was chatting with the girls…I was off in la la land somewhere. And then I get poked again by Megan who points at Nicole this time who was…uh…getting some rather special attention from a very nice man in a hard hat. He became her favorite for the evening. Megan the proceeded by going up to the stage and laying down where the guy did rather naughty things to her. Ok…getting jealous now…when does Dustin get a lap dance. Ask and ye shall receive! I was actually forced to walk up to the stange and place a dollar in the thong strap of one of my favorite dancers of the evening who had the cute and funny stage name of Chippy. Pale, blond, and clad in nothing more then a black thong, leather cuff bracelets, and a black spiked choker…omg I think I just creamed myself. Oh and there was…grinding involved…lovely. So then we sat and drank and what not…and then another dancer got on stage that really caught my eye. He goes by the name Cherokee, my absolute favorite of the whole evening. He wasn’t even so much my type…its because of the amount of attention he was showing me. He was cute don’t get me wrong…ok, that was a huge understatement. He wasn’t cute he was f-ing HOT. Anyway he came off stage and over to our table where he began to chat with Megan and then looked over at Tracy whose breasts he commented on since she was quite busty that evening. And then he looked and me and smiled really big and said hi. He asked if I was drunk yet and told him I was getting there. He then leaned down to Tracy and said something to the effect of, get him drunk so I can rape him later. I almost feel off my bar stool with that one…and the fact I was wearing my boots with a three inch heel didn’t help much either. I basically replied that I didn’t need to be drunk for him to do whatever he wanted to me. Then the evil wench Megan who I think is fucking awesome as shit now told him that I thought he was cute. Of course I didn’t learn this until after he lit up bright with a smile and then came around the table to show his appreciation. Basically my night at the Unicorn was spent focusing my attentions on Cherokee and Chippy who both paid me a great deal of attention in return. I even followed by Megan’s example, after much coaxing, to go and lay down on stage where my dancer of choice Cherokee proceeded to do lots of entertaining things to me and actually kept me there a while longer then most of the other people…goodie goodie! And then before I left the stage he leaned down and whispered in my ear “you can put it anywhere you want”. Ooh, that sent a chill up my spine, he was referring to the money of course which I placed as close to his dick as I could without getting him in trouble. From there it was him taunting me and giving me little peeps shows on and off of stage. But let me state something now so no one gets the wrong idea. He was a super nice guy to, not all of our conversations involved something sexual. And when it came time to leave he came out and said goodbye to me first giving me a hug and said to be careful on the way home and I could tell it was genuine. So yes super nice, super hot guy whom I got to see a little more of then most of the guys I have known all my life…which is just fine. I defiantly plan on going back to the Unicorn and I will be sure to ask if he’s there...


Hmm... [20 Feb 2007|07:45pm]
So apperently I'm a gluton for punishment...but we all knew this now didn't we? So I'm clearly not as over Danny as I thought which isn't really a bad thing but the point is I hate relapsing into something that could and inevitebly will hurt me at some point. So yes I still love him...and yes I still avidly believe that in some way we are meant to be together because, as I have stated in the past there have been far to many signs for me to ignore. Beyond this I feel mildly bad because for all effects and perposes I have all but given Kevin the brush off. Not meaning to be mean or a bitch its honestly just because he isn't sticking in my mind. He never really made any kind of empact on me and thus was easy to forget about, not that I was attempting to forget about him...it just kind of happened. Oh well. Oh, and as a final side note there is a chance that I may be opening second LJ acount for the perpose of using as the journal of a fictional character from a story I have been working on for the last of forever. Anyway that’s all I really have to say for now…so until next time fans…stay lovely…Ta.
2 Drank the blood Vampire?

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